#288 | Special Edition: The Hinge Experiment—What a Year on Hinge Revealed About Modern Dating
Quick SUMMARY:
Douglas Vigliotti shares “The Hinge Experiment,” a personal reflection Op-ed on his year using the dating app Hinge in New York City. He discusses the challenges of up-next culture and app-based dating, the disconnect between online profiles and real-life attraction, and his preference for presence over performance. The episode encourages authenticity in relationships, highlighting the importance of being seen for who you truly are, something Vigliotti calls “the highest form of love”, rather than who someone wants you to be.
Listen to the episode:
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TOPICS COVERED IN THE EPISODE:
Introduction & Newsletter Promotion (00:09) - Douglas introduces the episode, explains the pop-up piece format, and promotes the podcast’s companion newsletter.
Why Share "The Hinge Experiment" (01:10) - He explains the Instagram origin of the piece, its popularity, and why it’s being shared on the podcast.
Personal Context & Instagram Stories (02:19) - Douglas discusses the personal nature of the piece, his usual privacy, and encourages following him on Instagram for more content.
The Hinge Experiment: One Year on Hinge (03:22) - Douglas shares his one-year experience using Hinge in New York City, including stats and general impressions.
Dating Apps vs. Real-Life Attraction (04:34) - He contrasts dating before and after apps, highlighting the disconnect between online profiles and real-life attraction.
Performance vs. Presence in Dating (05:46) - Douglas critiques the performative nature of dating apps and expresses his preference for authenticity and presence.
Conclusion & Podcast Promotion (06:51) - He wraps up the piece, thanks listeners, and encourages subscribing to the podcast.
Contact & Further Resources (08:06) - Douglas shares how to contact him, promotes his book, and provides information about the podcast and newsletter.
READ THE TRANSCRIPT:
Welcome back to “Books for Men”, a podcast to inspire more men to read and bring together men who do. So this week I have a special edition episode to share with you. It is a pop-up piece that I originally shared on Instagram titled “The Hinge Experiment”. I will share a lot more about this, of course, before I jump into the article. This is something that I have done in the past with other pop-up pieces that were originally shared on Instagram, so you might recognize it. But before I do that, I did want to take a moment here just to remind any new listeners out there of the companion newsletter that goes with this podcast, which is just a once a month email that rounds up all of the episodes from that month, complete with full book and author information, episode summaries, all of my favorite quotes, as well as additional book recommendations. So if that sounds like something that you are interested in, or perhaps you're just ready to sign up, all you have to do is visit the website BooksforMen.org.
01:10 - All right. So before I read you the actual piece, say article, whatever you want to call it, I should just mention that the reason why I am sharing it with you is that when I first shared this on Instagram, which was last month, some time, it got a lot of reaction in reply from the people who follow me. So usually with these pop-up pieces, I share them on my story, and they only last 24 hours, so they're not officially published anywhere. And I really like this format because it creates a little bit of urgency around the piece. If you're interested in reading it at all, you're probably more apt to do so knowing that you won't be able to in 24 hours. It also on my end allows me to be a little bit more open because I know it's not going to be there forever. I guess when I put it on the podcast like this one, it does have a permanent place, but that usually is because not just that it generated a lot of reaction and reply, which this one did, but it also, I think, says something about the broader times that we are living in.
02:19 - So while it is quite personal because it is about my dating life, I don't usually get too personal on the podcast. But again, I think that because it says something about the world and the times, it was worthy to have a permanent place on the podcast. I'm not going to explain it after I read it, because trust me, there is enough there to grapple with and stew on. So yeah, I think that that's a pretty good introduction. The piece says a lot, so I don't have to do too much explaining here. Oh, and I should mention that if you are interested in reading all of these pop-up pieces, then I would consider following me on Instagram, of course, @DouglasVigliotti, because I share them usually on my story. They only live for 24 hours, as I've said, and I definitely don't share all of them on the podcast here. Having said that, now let me read you the piece that I wrote titled “The Hinge Experiment”.
03:20 - So I recently completed a one-year experiment using Hinge.
Dating holds a strange place in a city like New York City, where everyone is busy or pretending to be—it is at once important and not important at all. Everyone wants love, but not at the cost of presence. If it seems absurd, it is. What’s left: “the apps”, as they are often called. Hinge is the dominant player in the city. The ease. The illusion of options and self-importance. The gamification. It’s pervasive. Like any drug, people use Hinge despite hating it and consequently hate themselves for it. Attention, even if it’s fake and temporal, is addictive.
Over the last year, my stats—sounds so sad already: “stats”, data, it’s like wtf. I had 502 likes (aka potential matches for me), 64 matches, 8 dates, 2 second dates, and one more pending. All to say, I’ve given it an honest go. So I feel qualified to have an opinion.
Of course, there is nothing wrong with the people on Hinge. I’ve met fine people. Even some I thought I might be interested in. But the entire system is backwards, and it can be explained rather simply. There was a time not long ago, a time I grew up in, before the apps, when dating worked like this: I see a girl, I am attracted to her, so I ask her out. Now dating works like this: match with a girl, text 5 times over 3 days, then decide (for her sanity and mine) if I want to take her out, and then hope I am attracted to her. As I said, it’s totally backwards.
The real problem is that the apps are not a good predictor of attraction—in fact, they are quite misleading. I promise, we, for better or worse, do not look like our best photos, nor do we have two days to answer one question in real life. In some sense, it is unexplainable what draws you to someone. Looks, certainly, but it’s also how someone moves, thinks, sounds, treats people, and makes you feel. It has little to do with the fact that they’re a lawyer who enjoys skiing, lattes, and walking their dog in the park on Sundays. If all you care about is arranging the “perfect” marriage or fucking, then sure, maybe the apps are a good start. Get drunk, have at it. I’ve done it many times. But romance? I’m not sure this is our best bet. (I applaud the exceptions.)
The highest form of love is being seen in the way you want to be seen. This is antithetical to how the apps work in practice. They are rooted in performance. Next up is one swipe away. You have to want to perform. And you are, unless you’re not. Perhaps, you’re just not ready to admit it. You want the fairy tale, right? You like being fooled, and people like fooling you. Means to ends, they say. Whether it be fucking or marriage, it applies. Think about it.
Personally, I have no interest in being evaluated for love, or for sex, or for anything really. Nor do I want to perform for it. Most days, I like who I am—yes, even all my flaws. So what’s left?
That’s easy. Observation. Daily life. Friends. Work. Gym. I don’t know. Anywhere anyone can see you for who you are and desire that person. Not the person they want you to be. On either side, all that remains then is the courage to open your mouth. As for me, I can offer the highest form of human expression and intimacy: presence. And all that comes with it. Paris. Boredom. Shows. Wasting time. But I can’t offer performance. I only want truth, as fucked up and painful and beautiful as it is. Shit, I don’t even know if I like you.
07:40 - All right, so there you have it. That was the hinge experiment. I hope you enjoyed that pop-up piece that was originally shared on Instagram, intended to only live 24 hours, and now it lives forever on this podcast. Having said that, I want to thank you so much for listening and remind you to please click subscribe on whatever podcast platform you are listening to this on, because it's the best way for new listeners to find the show and, in return, inspire more men to read. If you want to reach out to me, there are two ways to do so. I already mentioned one of them on Instagram @DouglasVigliotti. It's the only social media that I have, or via my website, DouglasVigliotti.com. Maybe you want to check out my latest book, “Aristotle for Novelists: 14 Timeless Principles on the Art of Story”. In that case, you could visit AristotleforNovelists.com. If you want more information on this podcast specifically, which includes signing up for that newsletter I mentioned at the top of the episode, then all you have to do is head over to the website BooksforMen.org.
