#282 | Sh*t I Tell My Friends #2: On What Matters (a.k.a. Do Something)
Quick SUMMARY:
Douglas Vigliotti shares personal reflections on the theme "What Matters," urging listeners to prioritize action over endless thinking or talking. Drawing on quotes from Aristotle, Neil Gaiman, and Georges St-Pierre, he emphasizes that character is built through what we do, not what we say or think. Vigliotti encourages men to start working toward their desires, embrace mistakes, and overcome fear by taking action—reminding listeners that life’s story is written by our actions, not our thoughts, which is a good thing because we all have shitty thoughts. He concludes with a short mantra that has helped him with this in his life.
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TOPICS COVERED IN the EPISODE:
Introduction to the Episode & Newsletter Reminder (00:09) - Host introduces the episode, explains the "Shit I Tell My Friends" series, and reminds listeners about the companion newsletter.
Theme Introduction: What Matters (01:20) - Introduces the episode’s theme, shares Aristotle’s quote, and sets up the focus on action over talk.
The Power of Story and Belief (02:14) - Discusses how stories shape our lives and the importance of believing the right stories.
Character as a Byproduct of Action (03:19) - Explains Aristotle’s idea that character is defined by actions, not words or thoughts.
The Importance of Doing the Work (04:26) - Emphasizes starting small, taking action, and learning through doing rather than overthinking or seeking advice.
Learning Through Action (05:36) - Describes how doing the work teaches what matters, what advice is credible, and what actions are effective.
Three Absolutes of Human Life (06:36) - Shares Phil Stutz’s three absolutes: pain, uncertainty, and the need for constant work, focusing on the importance of work.
Courage, Fear, and Confidence (07:35) - Discusses courage as the balance between fear and confidence, referencing Aristotle and George Saint-Pierre.
The Mantra: “Be or Do, Don’t Think” (08:31) - Introduces a personal mantra to combat overthinking and encourage action over rumination.
Neil Gaiman’s Quote on Mistakes (00:09:00) - Shares Neil Gaiman’s quote about the value of making mistakes and the importance of doing something.
Closing & Call to Action (00:09:52) - Wraps up the episode, encourages subscribing, and provides information about the host and related resources.
READ THE TRANSCRIPT:
Welcome back to “Books for Men”, a podcast to inspire more men to read and bring together men who do. So this week is an off week. We are doing the second-ever edition of Sh*t I Tell My Friends, and this one is on what matters. I know it's sort of a broad title because there are a lot of things that matter, in fact, but this is definitely one of them. I am subtitling it, aka Shut Up and Do Something. Maybe you can gather something from that. We'll circle back to it momentarily. I will share some quotes, takeaways, and things that I definitely either have told my friends or would tell my friends if this came up. But before I do that, I did want to quickly remind you of the companion newsletter that goes with this podcast. And that's just a once-a-month email that rounds up all of the episodes from that month, complete with all the book and author information, all my favorite quotes, as well as additional book recommendations. So if that sounds like something that you are interested in, or perhaps you just want to sign up, then all you have to do is head over to the website BooksforMen.org.
01:20 - Okay, so on that note, let's turn back to I tell my friends number two on what matters. So I'm going to open this up with a quote from Aristotle. And if you stick around I will close it with a few other quotes. One from Neil Gaiman, I think Georges St-Pierre, someone else who I have something written down here to share with you, and also a short mantra that I think has really saved my life many times. And it definitely goes hand in hand with what I am going to tell you. So quite often, you know, friends will sit around, and they will talk about things, right? And everyone will say what they're going to do or what they think about something. And look, I don't want to be some kind of curmudgeon or grumpy person. I think that that's fun, and I love chopping it up, so to speak, with my friends. But ultimately, you know, I've come to realize that life, your life included, is nothing but a story.
02:14 - 99.9% of the world we live in is based on story. The stories we tell ourselves, the stories the world tells us. And of course, there are a lot of stories being told to us every single day. And there are a lot of stories that we tell ourselves. But do we believe those stories? And if we do believe those stories, they become very powerful, whether it's negative or positive, in our lives. And this is why I want to share with you this Aristotle quote to kind of kick off this episode, because he says something in “Poetics” that is very profound. He says, “Character instead is a byproduct of action. Actions and plot are what a tragedy is about. This is what matters.” And so it's fun to sit around and talk about things and have opinions on things and all of that stuff. But ultimately, you are what you do. You are not what you say or what you say you do. And when we look at this in stories, we see it all the time with unreliable narrators.
03:19 - When their actions don't line up with their words or thoughts, we have to trust what they do on the page, just as we have to trust what someone does in their life, despite what they say or what they think, even though we don't necessarily know what they are thinking. But here's breaking news: we all have shitty thoughts, and so if we're all a culmination of just our thoughts alone, then we're all in trouble because humans have a dark side to them. And there's a component to us that thinks shitty things. We just don't act on those things because actions are what matter. So, in my viewpoint of the world, the only thing that matters is doing the work right. So whether you want to be the next Pablo Picasso, or you want to go on a date with the girl, or start a loving relationship. You want to pay off that insurmountable debt that you have, quit smoking cigarettes or drinking alcohol, or whatever the situation is starting. The work is the most important thing, and most people get lost by biting off more than they can chew, rather than painting a little bit each day.
04:26 - Instead, they try to paint the masterpiece on day one, get disappointed when they don't, and then give up. Rather than put work into a relationship, they avoid the relationship altogether. Or why start figuring out a way to pay down that debt when I can make minimum payments and still buy the car I want? Or even worse, they'll start asking everybody else for advice. And you already listened to the first edition of this series, so you know how I feel about advice. If you haven't. I'll look it up in the show notes. Of course. Look, you can live your life however you want, and I think there's a great beauty in that. But you should realize that it's the actions that you take that are going to create the life that you have or don't have. This is the most important aspect of your story, just as it is in the stories that you read, watch or listen to and love. You learned so much from just doing the thing, whatever it is. And again, I don't want to just classify it as doing painting or writing, or it could be anything going on, dates, anything.
05:36 - The point is that when you start doing the work, you learn all the things that you can only learn by doing the work. And there is no way around this. You learn what advice matters versus what doesn't. You learn who's actually credible or what's actually credible versus what isn't. You know what you should be doing on a daily basis, and you're going to do a lot of things that don't matter at first, but that's how you're going to know what does matter. So I shared a book on this podcast last year called “True and False Magic” by the famed psychologist Phil Stutz. It's a book that I've actually read twice now, and I will link that episode up in the show notes. But he says there are three absolutes to human life. The first is pain. The second is uncertainty, and the third is the need for constant work. But in short, it's just the need for constant work that's going to help you navigate the other two absolutes of human life, which are pain and uncertainty.
06:36 - Now, I can go into great detail on pain and uncertainty, and I probably will in future episodes of this. But the thing I want you to key on right now is that last part, the work as in the doing, because it's the only way forward, even if you are afraid. Because we're all afraid. Even Aristotle says that in. I'm paraphrasing him, of course, but he says that courage is the dance between fear and confidence. Fear is expected, but confidence is required. In an interview, I've heard Georges St-Pierre, the mixed martial artist, one of the greatest of all time, probably say: “When you put it all on the line, it's normal to be afraid.” And while he was talking about fighting, I think that it's really important to think about it in your own life. We're always putting it all on the line all the time, because it's our life and it's what matters to us. And so whether it's mental fear or physical fear, these are the things that don't matter.
07:35 - You just have to do it anyway. Because again, the doing is all that matters. You see, there's no amount of thinking or teaching in the world that's really going to show you how to do something. I don't care what that thing is, whether it's writing, it's painting, it's dating, paying off that debt, working that job, starting the business, whatever. You just have to do it. There's no way around it. You learn the unlearned things, the things only reserved for the other doers. You learn the hard things that you actually need to do, how to handle adversity or criticism, and the unimportance of doing something just once. Unless, of course, you are testing it to see if you should do more of it. You leverage that compounding effect, but most importantly, you learn what you don't want versus what you do. So one might be asking, in the absence of doing, then what? Right? And this is where a mantra that I have developed for myself has come in handy.
08:31 - And it's short and it's quippy, and I would utilize it if I were you: Be or Do, Don't Think. Be or Do, Don't Think. You see, thinking will kill you. I'm sure I will get into this in future episodes, but being or doing 99% of the time is a better strategy than thinking. And trust me, this comes from a chronic thinker. I do a lot of thinking, and so I have to coach myself up into not overthinking. And this is why this mantra is so powerful for me. Be or do. Don't think. Now I could leave you on that, but I will instead share one final quote from Neil Gaiman that I love, and it comes from my notes. And he says, “I hope that in this year to come, you make mistakes, because if you are making mistakes, you are making new things, trying new things, learning, living, pushing yourself, changing your world. You're doing things you've never done before, and more importantly, you're doing something.” Okay, so I hope you enjoyed this second edition of Sh*t I Tell My Friends: On What Matters, aka shut up and do something.
09:52 - If you did, I want to remind you to please click subscribe on whatever podcast platform you're listening to this on, because that's the best way for new listeners to find a show, as well as to inspire more men to read. If you want to learn more about me, you can always visit my website, DouglasVigliotti.com, or connect with me on Instagram. It's the only social media that I have @DouglasVigliotti. Or maybe you'd like to check out my latest book, “Aristotle for Novelists: 14 Timeless Principles on the Art of Story”. You could do so on the website AristotleforNovelists.com. Last but not least, I wanted to thank you so much for listening and remind you that if you want more information on this podcast specifically, which includes signing up for that newsletter I mentioned at the top of the episode, then all you have to do is head over to the website BooksforMen.org.
