The Top Five Regrets of the Dying | Bronnie Ware

episode SUMMARY:

In this episode of the Books for Men podcast, Douglas Vigliotti discusses a book called The Top Five Regrets of the Dying by Bronnie Ware. The book is based on Ware's experiences as a former palliative care nurse and explores the top five regrets expressed by people on their deathbeds. Vigliotti highlights the importance of living a life true to oneself, not working too hard, expressing feelings, staying in touch with friends, and allowing oneself to be happier. He also mentions the influence of Eastern philosophy and the Law of Impermanence. The episode concludes with a call to support the podcast and connect with him on Instagram @douglasvigliotti.

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Welcome back to Books for Men, a podcast to inspire more men to read and bring together men who do. So this week I have a really cool book to share with you. It is one that's been out for some time now. It is a memoir slash self-help book, and it really came on the heels of another book that I shared a couple of weeks ago by Nora Ephron called I Remember Nothing. So that was an end-of-life memoir, and it really was a great meditation on life through the lens of death. And I know that that could be a sad topic or a morbid topic, but I do find it to be a really powerful one in order to help us live better. And I like sharing books that do that because there is hopefulness to it, even in the face of adversity or such a difficult topic to discuss or think about.

(01:01)

I mean, this is not a new idea, right? There are a lot of ancient philosophies that utilize death in such a way, whether it's memento mori, which means, “Remember, you must die.” Or even in a fictional sense, if you've ever seen Game of Thrones, Valar Morghulis, right? “All men must die.” And then there's just the Eastern philosophy of the secret of life is to “die before you die.” And then there's even someone else who we featured on this podcast recently, Charles Bukowski, who has the iconic quote: “You have to die a few times before you can really live.” And all of these are just ways to think about death and utilize death as a powerful mechanism to live a better life. I mean, in general, just understanding the fact that you are going to die one day and there is a finality to the journey. While it could be very troubling in many ways, it also is something that can be very propelling if utilized in the right manner.

(02:03)

It could be a propulsion mechanism for your life, so to speak. And that's sort of how I like to look at it. Everything is finite. We have finite time. It kind of goes back to the law of impermanence, which is another part of Eastern Philosophy, meaning that nothing is permanent, your life included, of course. Now this is a really powerful idea because it also means that the way that you feel and your situations and everything else in your life is also impermanent. As the great George Harrison once wrote or sang, all things must pass, if you give it the time to do so. And this is a really, as I already mentioned, powerful idea. But I don't want to get too far off track here because I came here to talk about this book, not the Law of Impermanence or Eastern Philosophy, although I do think it is a good lead into the book.

(02:56)

And on that note, I haven't even told you what the title is called, The Top Five Regrets of the Dying, and it's by Bronnie Ware. So originally this book was a blog post that ended up being a book project. So back when blog posts could actually go viral, this was one of those, and it ended up being a book. And so the basis is that Bronnie Ware is a former palliative care nurse, and she uses her unique perspective and her time spent with all those near-death patients as the foundation for the book. So she put together what she believes to be the top five regrets of the dying. So people that were on their deathbeds, the things that she most heard from those people were these top five things. And of course, this is moving, but it's also tragic, right? It's saying, I wish I had done something differently and I can't think of a scarier thing to think lying on my deathbed than to say, I wish I had done this differently.

(03:58)

And so if you can try and fast forward until that time, and I think that that's part of what meditating on your death is all about, you can try to avoid those regrets, right? And I'm not saying it's easy to do, but that is the goal and that is what we are attempting to do. And this book serves as a great tool to help with that. It's a book that I've kept on my shelf ever since I read it because every time I see the spine, it reminds me to be more present to be in the now. And again, this sort of relates back to Eastern Philosophy, as you've heard me already talk a little bit about just moments ago. But I'm not going to go further down that path because if you're anything like me, you're probably itching to find out what those top five reasons are.

(04:49)

And I'm not going to make you read the book, I'm going to share them with you right now. But if you don't want to read the book, you can always go and search for her blog post. I think there is even a website that is designed solely for this book where you can read more about the top five regrets. The first one is, “I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.” I find this to be particularly hard to grapple with, especially at a young age because you have so many mixed messages and you get sent on a path very early in your life, and it's really up to you to recognize that what is best for you might not be what is best for everybody else, or what everybody else wants from me is not the thing that I really am or how I really feel or what I really want to do.

(05:48)

And that pressure only gets heavier and heavier as life goes on. And as those stories get entrenched and those behaviors get entrenched, they become much harder to break. And I can, for one, be very empathetic with that as I've had to make some very big decisions in my own life to break away from what other people perceive me as or what other people want me to be. And I always have this quippy little saying that I tell people, or anybody that wants to listen to me is, if you don't know who you are, don't worry. The world will tell you. And I mean that in a multitude of ways. But most importantly, in the absence of having to make a decision, you're going to be guided either willingly or unwillingly into the thing that you end up doing and becoming because the world is going to tell you who you are based on how they perceive you and see you.

(06:48)

And that might not be in alignment with who you really are or how you feel or what you want to be or any of that stuff. And so understanding that is a super challenge and breaking away from that is a super challenge in life. But it's sad to me that it's also the number one regret of people who on their deathbeds say, I wish I had the courage to live true to myself. Look, I don't want to make it sound like going against the grain or rowing your boat upstream is an easy task, but reversing the story of your life and living true to yourself as hard as it might be, also might be worth it to do because you may regret it looking back on your life. If you go any further, without doing so without belaboring this, I want to move on to the second regret, which is, “I wish I hadn't worked so hard.”

(07:49)

And I think that this is an interesting one because we have all different relationships with work, and I'll let you sort of dissect through that. I'm not going to go into it too much. The third is, “I wish I'd had the courage to express my feelings.” So for me, this relates back to the first regret, but it's a little deeper in that it's about vulnerability specifically with loved ones, right? And people that maybe you're romantically involved with or you wish you were romantically involved with, or even friends, and just not being honest and going deep enough into that friendship. And I think the same goes for family, right? Obviously. And we have this propensity to feel like we know our family and know our friends so incredibly well because we're close to them. But closeness is a proximity. And sometimes the closer you are to something, the harder it is to see it for what it is.

(08:50)

And the only way that you get there is by expressing your feelings and becoming more vulnerable. And of course, this is really hard because we care about the people that we want to express our feelings or be vulnerable with. And that in itself is a challenge because you have to really get uncomfortable. But I even found myself saying this yesterday at a family party to somebody. And it's also something you've heard me talk quite a bit about on this podcast. And that is, friction is good, discomfort is good. If you are able to walk through that discomfort and embrace that friction, the best things in life come on the other side of that, the most growth, that's for sure. And it's usually the most satisfying, and I truly believe that. So despite how hard it is to express your feelings or be vulnerable, it might be in our best interest to do so.

(09:46)

And by no means am I presenting some type of sainthood or elite-ness when it comes to this. It's just as hard for me as it is for anybody. But sometimes I feel like the best way to kick myself in the ass is to remind you, because in return, obviously, it reminds me. Now let's move on to the fourth regret, which is, “I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.” This one is particularly painful because as we grow, we definitely lose friends along the way, some more important to us than others, for a lot of fickle reasons, and other times it's just growing apart. You either change together or you grow in opposite directions. And I know for me, this is hard to do, but it's super special to me at this point in my life when I get to reconnect with friends and do stuff with them, especially if I haven't seen them in a while.

(10:43)

Unfortunately, that happens more and more as I've gotten older. And regret number five is, “I wish I had let myself be happier.” Sort of self-explanatory. I'm not going to go into it much further. I've been going on long enough and I got to wrap this up in an effort to keep these episodes tidy. And so on that note, I hope that you found today's episode impactful or enjoyable or entertaining or sad, maybe, I don't know, depends on how you look at it. I guess. In any case, if you've got something out of it, then please don't hesitate to share it with a friend or a family member because word of mouth is everything when spreading awareness. And with this podcast specifically, it's to inspire more men to read. And I need your support and help to do that. If you want to double down on that support, you can do so by rating, subscribing, following, liking, or any of that stuff on whatever podcast platform you're listening to this on, because doing that will help more people find the show.

(11:43)

Also, if you want to get in touch with me, the easiest way is to connect with me on Instagram @douglasvigliotti. It's the only social media that I have. And lastly, if you want more about the show, you can visit BooksforMen.org where you can get full transcripts for every episode. As well as sign up for the monthly newsletter, which is a roundup of every episode, complete with full book and author information, all the best quotes, as well as newsletter-only book recommendations. Again, if you're interested in that, you just head over to BooksforMen.org.