From the Vault | Last Time, Don’t F*ck It Up

This episode of Books for Men features another edition of “From the Vault.” It's a short essay from an Instagram series I wrote called “Pop-up Writing.” The pieces lived for only 24 hours on my Instagram story. It was fun and unbridled. This one deserved an official home. I think you’ll agree. Listen for more! (Original pub date: July 11, 2021.)

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Welcome back to Books for Men, a podcast to inspire more men to read and bring together men who do. So I have a pretty interesting from the Vault episode to share with you this week. It actually has never been officially published anywhere, but I used to do this fun series on Instagram called Pop-up Writing. And basically, I would just write these short essays that would only last for 24 hours because I would post them on my Instagram story. And that's what kind of made them fun and risky. And I would say a lot of, I don't want to say crazy things, but it was more stream-of-consciousness writing. So in a way, it was very unfiltered. And by removing that lens, you get to some pretty interesting places. It's almost like my journal entries, which I never publish anywhere. Of course, I use that technique where I literally just let the words flow right from my mind onto the page.

(01:11)

And I'm not worried about what I write or what I say because it's not going to be published anywhere. It makes it easy to just bleed or just let your thoughts out onto that page and just type away. And so I did that with these pop-up writings in a way. Of course, I would edit them a little bit and I would make them into more of a cohesive essay, so it wasn't as pure as that. But they would only last for 24 hours. And every now and then I would strike lightning, I guess, and something good or lasting would come up. But I never had a place for them to publish because it just wasn't designed for that. I mean, I guess I could have put 'em on my blog or what have you, but I didn't. And maybe I will in the future, or maybe I'll find something to do with them.

(01:59)

Anyway, that's all just to say, today's From The Vault is one of those Pop-up Writings, and it's titled, Last Time, Don't Fuck It Up. I know it's got a pretty aggressive title, but I think you'll understand why when you hear the piece because I'm going to read it to you shortly. And they're short. So don't worry, I'm not going to be droning on and on here, I promise. But the big reason that I wanted to share it with you is because this is a topic that I've been thinking a lot about lately and it's one that is so universal for us no matter where we are in life, or I should say what stage we're at in life. So when I started to scan the potential things that I could share on this week's From the Vault episode, this was a glowing star, so to speak. And more importantly, I wanted to give it a permanent home, a place where it could actually live forever. And I will say that when I posted it on my Instagram story as a pop-up writing piece, I receive a lot of response to it. So take that for what you will. I think it hits on something quite emotional and fundamentally true about life, and that's why I wanted to share it with you. So without further ado, here is the short essay, Last Time, Don't Fuck It Up.

(03:17)

How do you know when it's time to move on? I’ve never known the right answer to that question. The other day I had a buddy tell me, “You know, man. You just have a way of picking things up and putting them down.” So apparently I look like I do. Here’s the thing, though. For someone who’s “so good” at saying goodbye, you know, picking things up and putting them down, it’s the thing I loathe most about life.

If you’ve ever been over to my place ‘til the wee hours of the morning, you’ll recognize what I’m about to say. When I have people over, the worst part is watching them leave. Fuck, I hate that. Some might suggest, a therapist probably, that I spend so much time defending against the feeling that I leave opportunities on the table. Stop things before they can start to avoid saying goodbye. Deep, I know. Probably true, though. I don’t know. I do know that a small piece of me breaks each time I watch someone walk away. I don’t mean to sound overdramatic, but it’s adequate to say that the sentence prior to this one is true.

(04:18)

In a strange way, I think I always know that it could be the last time. And that’s the thing about the last time. You never know when the last time is the last time. There’s no sign that reads, LAST TIME, DON’T FUCK IT UP. I guess that’s the crazy part. Let’s say there was a sign. What would I do differently? Now there’s a question that will torture the shit out of you. Even crazier, sometimes the first time can be the last time. It happens way more than you think, too. Everyday, actually, when you think about it. And it’s the scariest of all the last times. It’s like wait a minute, I just met you. We just. But I. Nope that was it. That’s what you get. No sign, either. Just a memory. 

In a novel that I have coming out in November there’s a line that feels appropriate to end this with, so I will. “Sometimes people flash into your life like a shooting star and remind you of all the possibilities that exist.” Sure, it’s tragic. The idea that people come and go. Times, moments, whatever. I won’t back away from it, though. I say, be lucky to experience it once. Whatever it is, because sometimes that’s all you get. And if you’re fortunate to do it again, have it again, be with them again, well, it might not be as good anyway. Or it might be. In that case, stay. I hate to see you go. Some things gotta be worth it, right?

(05:44)

So there you have it. That concludes today's episode. I told you the essay was short, but I hope you enjoyed it or were maybe impacted by it. If so, please remember to share it with friends and family members, and other people who you think might like it. Word of mouth is everything when it comes to spreading awareness and with this show specifically, it's inspiring more men to read and bringing together men who do. And as a reminder, you can now read the transcript of this episode as well as every other episode on the website BooksforMen.org. And if you are a consistent listener of the show, please consider doubling down on that support by rating, reviewing, subscribing, following, and all that good stuff on whatever podcast platform you're listening to this on because it does help more people find the show. Lastly, for more information, you can always head over to the aforementioned website BooksforMen.org, where you can also sign up for the newsletter, which is a monthly roundup of every episode, complete with full book and author information, all the best quotes, as well as newsletter only book recommendations. So again, if you'd like to sign up for that, you could do so at BooksforMen.org.