#190 | My Favorite Writing Book of All-Time: Learn How to Write Truly and Overcome Perfectionism

episode SUMMARY:

Douglas Vigliotti discusses the inspiring yet practical writing reference book "Bird by Bird: Some Instructions on Writing and Life" by Anne Lamott, emphasizing the importance of taking small steps over time and placing truth at the center of one's work. Listeners will learn valuable writing techniques and philosophy to help them become better writers and overcome the challenges of perfectionism.

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Welcome back to Books for Men, a podcast to inspire more men to read and bring together men who do. So this week I am sharing a first, and that is a writing book or a writing reference book. I don't think I've ever shared one on the podcast before and I've read quite a few over the years. If I look at my bookshelf, which I'm looking at right now, there are probably, I don't know, 30, 40 books on writing and storytelling on that bookshelf. So to share, this one says a lot about how much I not only enjoy it but think that you'll get something out of it if you are a writer or you want to do creative work. But before I dive into the book at hand, I wanted to share one thing with you, and that is this week or this past week, I should say, the trailer for the second season of Slightly Crooked: Good Stories, Told Well, just came out, and it is featuring my poem collection from 2021 called mini heartbreaks (or little poems about life).

(01:13):

And that will be read by yours truly in its entirety. And you'll hear me talk a little bit more about this over the next few weeks before the actual collection goes live on the podcast. But I did just want to let you know that if you wanted to go listen to the trailer, I do provide a little bit more context on the collection as well as what I've been up to creatively. And you can again listen to that on Slightly Crooked: Good Stories, Told Well. it's available on every podcast platform. Alright, so that completes my obligatory plug on my own work, and let's jump into today's episode. And the book is Bird by Bird by Anne Lamott, as I already started this off with, I really love this book and it's probably my favorite of the genre writing, reference, and writing resource, however, you want to coin it.

(02:07):

And most books do have a specific angle at which they come at the subject matter, right? So some are designed for editing, some are designed for structure, and some are more inspirational or technique-based. There are a lot of different things that authors can choose to write about when they're trying to teach writing, but I think that this book does a great job at blending inspiration philosophy as in how to approach the craft of writing as well as some techniques that could help you be a better writer. And I think that this is always a tough task because there's a lot that you can come at the subject matter with. And to be honest, the best teacher of writing is writing. So writing about the subject is challenging. Even teaching it is challenging. I know that this is a widely debated topic, and there are a lot of people who will have varying viewpoints on what they think is best for writers and writing.

(03:12):

Are you a workshop person? Are you not a workshop person? And this debate is probably going to continue for a very long time. I do think that there are pluses and minuses to both of those camps, but that's a whole other conversation and another topic for another day. The reason why I bring that up is just to say that I don't think it matters what camp you fall in, and this book will be beneficial to you no matter what because the philosophy on how to approach the craft is universal. It really stems from the title Bird by Bird, which comes from a story that she tells, Anne Lamott, in the book about her dad's advice to her little brother when he was 10 years old sitting around the kitchen table and he had to write a bird report for school. And his advice to her brother was, “Just take it bird by bird, buddy. Bird by Bird.”

(04:05):

I couldn't help but fall in love with this concept, mostly because it jives with a life principle that I love, known as the compound effect, which just means small actions over time create big results. And those results aren't usually seen in their maximum capacity until you get farther and farther down the line because you need time for compounding to actually work its magic, right? You could see this and observe it with financial compounding, but a lot of people will talk about this with knowledge or a craft and skill, and it's something that I've completely bought into in my life. And so when I read this book, the concept of just take it “Bird by Bird” hit home, and it's something that I'm willing to champion for as long as people are willing to listen to me. So another section of this book that I just adore is the one on shitty first drafts.

(05:00):

So every first draft you ever write will be shitty. And understanding this, knowing this is a really powerful thing because you can't edit something that isn't there. And I think one of the biggest things that people get tripped up on when they're trying to write a long-form work, let's say, or even something short-form, is that they're trying to make it perfect the first time they write it. And in my experience, this couldn't be a bigger mistake because, and I'm totally aware that people have all different techniques and styles and ways of going about the craft, but most writers that I talk to have gotten used to the idea of the first thing they write being terrible, being shitty. And that's just something that you have to get used to. And the finished product is all in the refining as a strategy. I try to get things down as fast as possible.

(06:01):

I like to spend my time editing more than I like to spend my time sitting there trying to get the original thing on the page. And I'll have to say that this book helped me do that. When I read it, the section on shitty first drafts really convinced me and made me a believer, and then I heard it and saw it and read it and tons of things after. Even one of my literary heroes, I guess you can say, Hemingway, he's famous for talking about this concept and so have many, many people. That is not a revolutionary idea. But another thing this leads to is the idea of perfectionism. And Lamott has this great quote in the book that I want to read to you, and it goes like this, “Perfectionism is the voice of the oppressor. The enemy of the people. It will keep you cramped and insane your whole life, and it is the main obstacle between you and a shitty first draft.

(06:58):

I think perfectionism is based on the obsessive belief that if you run carefully enough hitting each stepping stone just right, you won't have to die. The truth is that you will die anyway and that a lot of people who aren't even looking at their feet are going to do a whole lot better than you and have a lot more fun while they're doing it.” Now, I understand for a lot of people this is probably not very helpful because they might be perfectionists and they're saying, well, that makes me feel like shit. I get it. But the moral is you're not perfect. I'm not perfect. No one's perfect. We have to embrace that imperfection. The Japanese have a great saying called wabi sabi, which is this concept or philosophical belief around embracing your imperfections and using them as strengths in your life. It's the same thing with writing.

(07:52):

It really, really is. In this book, Anne Lamott addresses that, and I couldn't help but fall in love with that aspect of the work. Another thing that she talks about is the impact of jealousy in one's career. And you're going to get jealous of other people, right? It's just natural. The only way you can help it is to get a little bit older maybe and a little bit wiser vent to somebody or use it as material. So eventually you'll laugh about this, but it's normal to be jealous of people who you think are doing better than you, or maybe I should say envy. I don't know. There's a distinction between envy and jealousy. Some say that jealousy is the fear of losing something, and other people say envy is the wanting of what somebody else has. Both are obviously not great emotions, but I think that they're natural.

(08:45):

We're human. And I'm not going to go on and on about some of the different things that she talks about from a technique standpoint, but I will share just a couple of quick ones. The small picture frame idea, which is if you're having trouble writing, take a Polaroid snapshot of something and just write that. It doesn't have to be a physical Polaroid snapshot, a mental one. So just describe the small picture. I've always found that to be quite useful. Another one that I really like is reading dialogue out loud. So anyone who's tried to write dialogue knows that it could be quite challenging. It's much different than writing prose, and there's a rhythm to it, a natural beat that goes to how people speak with each other, as well as little actions. I call 'em little bits of actions that happen in between the words or how people say certain things.

(09:35):

So are they looking over someone's shoulder over their own shoulder or winking or furrowing their brow or I don't know, a lot of different things. And reading the dialogue really helps to get that feel of whether you are actually staying true to that rhythm, that natural pace of how people speak to each other. Each character is going to have their own tendencies. But again, that doesn't change the technique of reading out loud. Now, I'm not going to keep going on and on with these because I think that you get the idea and you should read the book, but probably the biggest thing that Ann Lamont talks about from a philosophical standpoint, which again, is the main reason why I love this book so much, is this idea of placing truth at the center of your work. So she has this quote that I'm going to read to you, and I think it encapsulates exactly what I'm trying to say.

(10:31):

“If something inside of you is real, we will probably find it interesting and it will probably be universal. You must risk placing real emotion at the center of your work, right? Straight into the emotional center of things. Right toward vulnerability. Risk being unliked. Tell the truth as you understand it. If you're a writer, you have a moral obligation to do this, and it is a revolutionary act. Truth is subversive.” Fuck. I just love that quote so much. I want to end this episode on that idea. But I will say that placing truth at the center of your work is the challenge for every writer. It's the thing that definitely cuts through, and it's the thing that is the hardest to do always when you could have gone a step further or made something truer, something that I've talked about a lot on this podcast before with other authors who have gone there, so to speak, in the ways that they do.

(11:40):

But it really does resonate, and that's why, again, from a philosophical standpoint, I agree with a lot of the things that Anne Lamott shares in Bird by Bird. There are some ideas in the book, mostly around structure and things of that nature that I feel like maybe I've grown a little bit from since I originally read it. But in no way does that take away from the overall impact of the book itself, especially for the writer. So I would definitely recommend picking it up. Alright, so that's all I've got. I hope you enjoyed this week's episode. If you did, I'd love for you to share it with a friend or family member, or someone else who you think might enjoy it. And of course, I'd also love for you to double down on that support by subscribing or following on whatever podcast platform you're listening to this on.

(12:30):

So that's the only two things I ask, share and subscribe. Both of those things go a long way in helping more people find the show as well as inspiring more men to read. And I could really use your support and help in doing that. So again, if you have two seconds, share it or subscribe to the show. As a reminder, you can always connect with me on Instagram @douglasvigliotti. It's the only social media I have. And for more information, you could always visit BooksforMen.org where you can get full transcripts for all of these episodes. As well as sign up for the newsletter, which is a monthly roundup of every episode complete with full book and author information, episode summaries, all the best quotes, as well as newsletter-only book recommendations. Again, you could sign up for that at BooksforMen.org.